Should I Give F**ks If Someone Says “Zero F**ks Given”?

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An edgy buzz phrase that all the kids (redditors) are saying on social media is “Zero Fucks Given“.  Other iterations of the phrase are: “Not a single fuck was given“, “I gave none of the fucks“, “Bullshit: 1 Fucks: 0“, “Exactly/percisely no fucks given“, and my own offering to the lexicon of internet speak”I would say fuck you but that would mean I had an iota of fucks to spare–which I don’t because keeping tracks of my fucks would imply that I give a fucks about shit and alas I don’t fucks with fucks-tracking.”

But what if you’re like me and don’t idle on apathy?  I sweat the small stuff, worry about nonsense, and overanalyze everything.  The concept of giving zero fucks is fucked up to me.  What if we all didn’t contribute our fair share of fucks?  It’d be a no fucks free for all!!

Let’s take a look at those who perpetually don’t award fucks to anything and ask yourself if you’d like to be in this bad company:

Lululemon, and Abercrombie when it comes to staying in business.  YouTube commentors.  Those kids on the bus with dat swag who might beat the shit out of you.

Male comics in hoodies who defend their “real talk” rape, fat shamming, and slut culture “jokes”.  #LongHairDon’tCare truthers.  George Zimmerman apologists.  People who mention that they have “haters”.   Anyone on the Bravo Network who’s not Andy Cohen.  The “Old White Men” in power that we’re all waiting for to die.  Dr. Dre and the releasing of DeTox.  The NFL concerning the long-term effects of the game.  Brunchers on how long the wait will be.  etc….

Ahhh, who am I kidding, this is getting fun, let’s keep the judgement train on the road to Terminus!  Other’s who don’t permit the exchanging of fucks are:

Those who wear light denim with black shoes.  Miami.  Wal-Mart’s overpaid CEO’s and underpaid hourly employees.  Your roommate when it’s their turn to clean the bathroom.  Panera and their pretension.  16-26 year old American girls when they’re annoyed, hangry, or you’re not hawt.  The human at the coffee shop who asks you to watch their laptop while they take a realllllllllyyyyyy long “number 1”.  Planet Earth Birthers.  That dude you still inexplicably follow on twitter who comes up with the best pun-heavy, insensitive gags when a celebrity dies!  Nashville & Country Music–country radio stations play songs that reference the good old days of country music, but the present day stuff they keeps drifting away from Waylon, Patsy, and Willie farther than Clooney in Gravity.  Derrick Rose’s knees.

I bet we could bang out a couple more examples of those who don’t beaqueath a fucks:

Tinder when it comes to finding you true love.  Pabst Blue Ribbon (bonus points because not only does it not grant a fucks but it gives you the shits!)  Nerds when they’re being jock-bully-dicks about nerdom.  Shaun T and his work out DVD empire (Hip Hop ABs, Insanity, Focus T 25) when it comes to you sacrificing form and not engaging your core.  Podcasters and creating unique formats.   Musical theater kids who treat karaoke as legit stage time.  HPV.  E-ciggers.  People in Grad School talking about anything else other than them being in Grad School.  The insignificance of “right now” to eternity.  McKayla Maroney.  Me coming up with more timelier references.  Polyamorous couples finding that special someONE.

So should we give fucks if someone says “zero fucks given”? Yes, try everything in your power to not be as aggressively indifferent as these fuck-less fucks.

 

 

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