Veggie Burgers:Russian Roulette Where Every Chamber IS Loaded


Bing defines a veggie burger as a hamburger-style patty that contains no animal flesh. And that’s it. So if you want to make your own, one must only adhere to that rudimentry principal. Aside from that take all of the liberties and run fucking wild.  No one can call you on your shit.

Faux Burgers can range from too South American spicy to too Mediterranean bland.  There’s the pre-made frozen variety, complete with painted on grill marks.  Some sit-down joints will sling ice cream scooped, bonding agent-less, corn-heavy goop.

This past “Meatless Monday” I wanted a veggie burger so I went to an organically sustainable, grass feed, blah blah blah burger/sandwich joint in Austin, Texas. What awaited me was the worst attempt at a veggie burger.

The menu simple said: A VB like no other, grilled veggies sandwiched in between two Portobello mushrooms. I thought “great, my hard livin’ and easily defeated will power, sure could use a healthy snack like this.” Even if the patty sucks I thought, at least the condiments will soak into the bun, so I could eat a french fry sandwich–worst case scenario.

Ruh-roh, I just paid $9 for a hand-held salad.  Half wrapped in tin foil was two slimy mushroom caps with grilled zucchini and squash bumping uglies. No bread. No concoction of mayo, mustard, ketchup, caked on to crust. Just vegetables. If meat is murder, then this is like when soldiers in a holy war, dip bullets in pigs blood (or whatever sacred animal that their enemy doesn’t eat) so that the guys shooting at them get a one-way Megabus ticket to Hell/Atlanta.

I’ve must have eaten hundreds of veggie burgers in my life from dozens of places in Chicago, Tempe, Houston and now Austin.  Never have I ever been trolled by a menu or eatery this hard. #Pwned

It was culinary chicanery.  Bon Appetit Anarchy. And probably what I need for bikini season, BUT STILL..

We have crafted a society where anything goes in the veggie burger realm.  I’ve had Black Bean Burgers from Chili’s that’s pretty decent.  Bar & Grill’s will mash chickpeas, ground tofu, and veggie amalgamation for flavorful but mushy messes. The only fast food chain enough flesh-less balls offer a veggie burger is the regal Burger King sells spiced, albeit frozen Morning Star patty’s.

I get that these sandwich are cost prohibitive and time-consuming if you make them from scratch.  I understand that vegatarians chose the lifestyle of a gambler when they go out to eat.  Heck, like any guy that wanted to date a barista who wanted nothing to do with me, I was vegan for a couple weeks.

I’m not asking to implement the practices of the USSR, and uniform all veggie burgers with KGB enforcement.  I’m just calling for an agreement that restaurants to stop patronizing those who don’t do meat with rando, round, sustinence.  Either serve something that is actually close in taste and look to a burger, or just replace that item on your menu with a grilled cheese.  But don’t just phone it in with the cheese with that cheddar nonsense.  Maybe like a Munster, or Gorgonzola.

I will most likely be dead before a true change is made in the Veggie Burger-Resturant milieu.  But I refuse to live in fear when ordering said sandwich, so effective immediately, I will refrain from putting that revolver to my head and just order turkey burgers when I go out.  Those never vary right?  Plus, I can use the term Tryptophan more than once a year–as if I was some dietician and not some asshole.

Sorry, I hope this article didn’t make you as H-angry as me.


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