This running NBA Draft diary should have ultimately been just live-tweets I tweeted, but I watched the draft on a delay because my cable provider can’t stream my Apple TV at a faster speed than AOL-’96-As-F**k. I stayed twitter dark as to not spoil the lack of drama I wanted to witness for myself.
I used to cover the WNBA’s the Chicago Sky, and the Chicago dudes squad a few years ago, so I am in no way qualified to talk about sports, but that never stopped the internet, so here’s NBA 2014 Draft Diary/Tweet quips I should have made!
1. Cleveland Cavs–they took extra time, to make sure Andrew Wiggins had a work visa, and didn’t have that pesky Canadian sleep-conditions/a case of the chubbies, like last years number one pick Anthony Bennett.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Wiggins Will take his talents to South Beach seven years from now.
2. Milwaukee Bucks- the humble Jabari Parker, said “understatement” instead of “overstatement” when it came to his potential, making twitter overreact as it only knows how–I’d imagine, I didn’t go on twitter. He also gave a shout out to the Great Lakes!
2014-15 Season Expectations: Parker will win Rookie of the Year, and do what most Milwaukee-ians do on their days off, take the train to Chicago and check out the Bubba Gump’s at the Navy Pier.
3. Philadelphia- recovering in the comforts of his own LA home–that he probably paid for with the money he made at Kansas–a mopey-eyed Joel Embiid was selected third. When interviewed via satellite, Embiid brought up how the doctor said his back will be “fine” then his sight-balls looked to the left, which is what therapists say people do when they’re being deceptive. Philly gives none of the fuchs anyways as they’re focused on being competitive by the next centennial.
2014-15 Season Expectations: To go bowling.
4. Orlando Magic- Arizona’s Aaron Gordon, was the first surprise of the draft. He’s a basketball tweener who will help the Magic stay in the running for Jahill Okafor sweepstakes in next years draft.
2014-15 Season Expectations: With potential superstar still on the board in Dante Exum, Gordon better try really hard and overthink everything if he’s going to avoid the media’s scrutiny. His Rebound Rate will be decee.
5. Utah Jazz- From Australia to Salt Lake City, the little known prospect Dante Exum, will call the little known American city home.
6. Boston Celtics- Tough and temperamental, Marcus Smart will once again be a no-show during March Madness.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Smart will almost certainly be weirded out all season by the odd Rajon Rondo.
7. Los Angeles Lakers- Man-child Power Forward Julius Randle, told ESPN reporter Jay Williams that teams that passed on him will regret it, but you could tell he meant it in a competitive way, and not like he’s going to black-out rage on them in the middle of the night.
2014-15 Season Expectations: The facilitator for Kobe’s eye-rolls.
8. Sacramento Kings- The first
white player spot-up shooter of the draft was taken when the Kings crowned Nik Stauskas as the newest conductor to their crazy train.
2014-15 Season Expectations: He will really get into Sacramento alternative band Cake.
Tar Heels Bobcats Jordans Hornets- Charlotte rolled the dice on Big Ten big man Noah Vonleh, who slipped from where the 374,928 final mock drafts had him.
2014-15 Season Expectations: In 2014-15 Vonleh will battle Cody Zeller as the guy Al Jefferson will boxout for rebound stat stuffing.
10. Philadelphia 76ers (Traded to Orlando)- For the second year in a row the Sixers drafted a tall, poor-shooting point guard in Micheal Carter-Williams aka Elfrid Payton. However, he’s headed to Orlando where he’ll play a lot for a bad team in his rookie season, just like Micheal Carter-Williams.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Payton will be all #LongHairDontCare.
11. Denver Nuggets (traded to Chicago Bulls)- The second
white player shooting specialist selected was Doug McDermott–who was expected to take over for Payton Manning in the mile high city when he retires–but he was traded to Chicago.
2014-15 Season Expectations: In his rookie year, McDermott will average 12 ppg, 3 ast, and get busted weekly for pissing in a Wrigleyville ally after a night of crushing-it white-boy style with Patrick Kane.
12. Orlando Magic (traded to Philly)- Croatian Dario Saric will call Disney World home, after he calls Turkey home over the next two-to-infinte years.
2014-15 Season Expectations: permanent Tryptophan citizenship.
13. Minnesota Timberwolves- long-ass point guard Zach LaVine joins Kevin Love as UCLA’ers who get to surf some nonexistent waves in MN’s 10,000 lakes!
2014-15 Season Expectations: Not sure, whatdoyathink?
14. Phoenix Suns- ACC Player of the Year TJ Warren will spread the floor for duel-PG’s Eric Bledsoe and Goran Dragic. He will also find out that Phoenix is deceptively boring.
2014-15 Season Expectations: triple-kissing with ASU randos on the reg.
15. Atlanta Hawks: Stretch-Four Adreian Payne, will bring the Payne to the painfully boring Hawks roster.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Payne:“No way they actually film The Walking Dead here? Nuh-uh!?! Let’s just go watch”
Commish Adam Silver: “With the next pick 2014, the NBA selects Isaiah Austin.” Really beautiful moment, no snark necessary.
16. Chicago Bulls (traded to Denver) Jusuf Nurkic is a household name in Bosnia-Herzegovina and will now be the same in Denver Nugget subreddits five years from now.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Bosnia-Herzegovina is fun type after autocorrect helps you out.
17. Boston Celtics- The film, The Departed featured a lot of cold-blooded shooting, and now so will the Celtics; the C’s select SG James Young.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Coach Brad Stevens will make Young his Vera Farmiga–highly effective in spurts.
18. Phoenix Suns- Orangeman stud Tyler Ennis, will get to wear orange again in the NBA as the Suns make him their like 9th point guard.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Sometimes will commit turnovers. Shit, sometimes he won’t though.
19 Chicago Bulls (traded to Denver)- Gary Harris. He’ll be known as the steal of the draft, hopefully he turns his life around.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Fo real doe, he should of been drafted in the lottery
20. Toronto Raptors- Caught up in Soccer fever, the Raptors picked Brazilian Bruno Caboclo.
2014-15 Season Expectations: He won’t be in the NBA until the next World Cup.
21. Oklahoma City Thunder- In need of some front-court help, OKC grabs Mitch McGary, a dude that’s NBA ready with his weed game.
2014-15 Season Expectations: To not be worse than Kendrick Perkins.
22. Memphis Grizzles- The Grizz finally admit to themselves that scoring points is half the battle in hoops and pick Jordan Adams.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Will average more points per game than any Grizzley SG in the history of their franchise; 5.8 ppg.
23. Utah Jazz- The Jazz add Rodney Hood to their young core of future free agents who don’t resign in Utah.
2014-15 Season Expectations: 14.1 PER, 49 eFG%, and 9.3 local grocery store auto-graph sessions.
24. Charlotte Hornets (traded to Miami)- Two-time NCAA champion, Shabazz Napier joins Three-time NBA Champion Udonis Haslem.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Will struggle with not joining Heat fans who leave games early. There’s nothing worse than waiting in line for da club!
25. Houston Rockets- Cap space saving, Swiss bank account, Clint Cappella will be stashed away for a rainy day (when LBJ decides not to go to Houston).
2014-15 Season Expectations: Are you really still reading this? Dang, I wasn’t planning on that, thanks!
26. Miami Heat (traded to Charlotte)- D-League baller, PJ Hairston joins the Hornets in their quest to not be the Bobcats.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Rookie most likely to “accidentally” tweet out a stick-pic selfie.
27. Phoenix Suns- Euro-League Rising Star winner, Bogdan Bogdanovic is now a shining Sun. Sorry for getting all Neil DeGrasse Tyson on you.
2014-15 Season Expectations: I have no grasp on European conversion rates so idk.
28. Los Angeles Clippers- Because Chris Paul jr. isn’t eligible for the draft for another 15 years, CJ Wilcox was selected in his place.
2014-15 Season Expectations: To stay healthy for the 2015 Summer League.
29. Oklahoma City Thunder- “Josh Who-stis” was an easy joke I would have live-tweeted–then would have been accused by people from favstar for stealing THEIR Josh Huestis joke.
2014-15 Season Expectations: To be named in Kevin Durant’s ’15 MVP press conference.
30. San Antonio Spurs- The NBA champs nab Point-Forward Kyle Anderson as the next Hall of Famer that the franchise picked late.
2014-15 Season Expectations: Will start 164-games(simultantios PG and SF duties) as Coach Popovich rest Duncan, Parker, Ginobili, Leonard, Splitter, Green, Belinelli, Joseph, and that Coyote mascot for the playoffs.